Queen Mary Outpatient Colonoscopy

I fasted, drinking broth only, no solid food, for 24 hours and followed the purgative EZ-Klean procedure which I shall not discuss here: suffice to say I did it right and got the results Doctor needs.

But when I arrived at Queen Mary I felt rather slightly like a British POW at Stanley (not to discount their suffering: rather to honour it and learn manly fortitude from it). I’d taken Ibuprofen and the Cosalgesic top-up allowed, which masked the pain and cheated me of my natural endorphin “high” that I get the Sciatica pain goes away of its own, like a tiger.

But I gradually let go of my possessions which need to be locked up because you’re normally sedated or anesthetized for this procedure. Glasses and shoes were all I had, for the rather interesting McPuke tartan and this time a “johnny” were my raiment.

I was given the usual waiting time to ponder on a gurney. I’d signed a release stating that these procedures have a very small risk.

And when my lung had collapsed in 1978 (a natural occurrence in thin and tall men), this “pneumothorax” had occurred twice (which is normally what it will do). The first tube insertion was done by a handless intern at Evanston Hospital and I thought I’d been impaled and howled in pain.

The second was performed by a colleague of my father, a Macanese physician, at Swedish Covenant, and this physician inserted the tube with no pain at all, knowing his business.

So I was uncertain as to what I’d feel. But Dr Lau knew his business as had Dr DaSilva.

I was looking at the video monitors that were to show my insides in some fear, in no mood for a jolly sight-seeing cruise up my arse, when in went the “sedation” and I could feel the probe at the same time.

But the next thing I knew I was being wheeled out feeling no pain anywhere, and fed a glorious meal of a sandwich and milk. I paid $150.00 HKD and was released.

These procedures are so like religious and monkish practices. In fact that is what they are if you treat them like that. You learn something from them.

Ask for me tomorrow and you may find me a graver man
But as of today, I am on the “one day at a time” plan
For Wellington pardoned a soldier on Waterloo eve
For stealing a pig without any leave:
And then said, if I remember all right,
“Dirty night”
And concluded showing no foreboding or sorrow,
Hard morrow.

Copyright (C) Edward G. Nilges. Moral rights asserted.

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