Excision for Biopsy, Queen Mary Hospital 18 June 2012

Mission accomplished with two friends to help me.

In you go, on the gurney, under the lights. The anesthetic this time was not the Lethe of last week, where you don’t remember anything. It was a sort of Novocaine which has yet to wear off and I asked for sedation.

But I was alert throughout the procedure with my head shrouded. I had hoped that all swollen nodes be removed but this has not been the case.

I was also concerned because the doctor referred to what I’ve been calling swollen lymph nodes as itself a tumor. This is the sort of question you take to the GP in the British system, so I shall, and not concern myself unduly at this time. I believe I am still a medical mystery and there’s no place to go but up: that is, knowledge will tell the doctors what to do.

Nobody was ever cured by worry, or for that matter by a second opinion, which I cannot afford.

Religious people talk of faith. But I learned faith outside church.

I learned it in January 1963 when, reading Aexchylus, I realized that the Catholic Church could NOT tell me I was going to hell for thinking bad thoughts: that I was responsible.

I learned it in May 1981 when I realized that “faith in Science” is nothing more than acceptance of contingency such that the probability of any meaningful statement P is between 0 (certainly false) and 1 (certainly true), that we live in anguish thereby but can nonetheless “turn it over” and act: that I was responsible.

“When I was a child I spake as a child.” That is (das ist): starting in 1963 and restarting in 1981 I defined who I was and what was meaningful by way of right action best I could. Who CARES if there’s a God, who cares if he, she or it is sive natura in your idle speculations, do what’s in front of you and the next right thing. In 1981, that was meeting new responsibilities. In 1963 it was schoolwork. Today is preventing the Fiend, killing vermin, and mounting power strips.

Spinoza pointed out that Hell frightens l’homme moyenne sensuelle, the ordinary sensual man for it was designed to do so.


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