Well, the sciatica may very well be here to stay alongside the Stage IV cancer diagnosis. “Acceptance is the key to all my problems”.

The facts are that my bones have thickened with age, which overall is better than the reverse process which happens in deep old age. My theory is that they have been so healthy and strong that they’ve continued to grow, and now are pinching in the nerve.

Pain control high enough to eliminate the pain causes nausea. This means I must accept a certain quantum of necessary pain.

This pain is a nerve report which releases endorphins and when it goes I have true moments of bliss. And unlike most pain, it’s bullshit. There’s nothing wrong down there save for the pressure on the nerve.

There are two possibilities. A herniated disk will self heal with time if I continue to exercise. If the bone is actually chewing on the sciatic nerve then I’m screwed. This will lead to equine caudal syndrome and emergency surgery.

But back surgery at my age is contra-indicated which means I should not get it to try to restore the status quo ante but will have to get it if I have equine caudal and its loss of bowel control. The results could be a wheelchair. Not very amusing.

But…the sciatica forces me to sit straight and meditate as I meditated at the pier today. I haven’t sat still and listened to God or Nature for years.

Deus sive Natura is hurling lightning bolts at me and laughing God or Nature’s ass off. The pain and the cancer diagnosis are forcing me to clean up my act.

And…there’s always the bonesetter sea. I am truly fortunate to live so close to two beaches.

Aldous Huxley wrote somewhere, “men do not thank God for cars, they just curse when the car breaks down”. That’s the whole problem the obverse of which is a solution right there. Our minds transform an empirical world of pain PA>0 and pleasure PL>0 into infinite pain = 1 when we refuse to recognize life’s pleasures or have insufficient endorphins.

But this afternoon, in pain while walking just before it was time to take a pill, I sat down on a sun warmed bench in front of the Wan or bay and was once again overwhelmed by the beauty of the world as the pain left my ass. Boom, as my kid would say. I saw it without thinking oh how sad it shall be to leave this world. Naw, I was just in the Now.

This is precisely what Spinoza is saying in the Ethics. We are constituted first to be pleasure seekers and only secondarily to be pain avoiders. Which means it’s licit in the nature of things to seek unlimited pleasure unless that implies later pain (or pain to others, although I can’t prove that). But we get no credit for pain.


2 Responses to “Acceptance?”

  1. Rick Nilges Says:

    Just read your latest post. Hope I could be as philosophical and courageous given the same diagnosis. Carry on…

  2. spinoza1111 Says:


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