A Choice

This weekend was completely unexpected. The Hong Kong Observatory had predicted three days of typhoon but shortly after I worked out in the rain on Saturday morning, the weather became unusually sunny and unusually fresh, with unusually low humidity, all weekend.

I was relaxing (at long last I stop and smell the roses since I must now perforce) at the pier. The ambulance guys who’d drug my sorry ass into Queen Mary two weeks ago waved from the ambulance as they returned from shipping another sorry ass to the ferry. I waved and smiled, I have to stay on their good side, they might be my new best friends.

The sun was going down. And again, I saw, I really for the first time saw, this enormous Banyan tree which graces the harbor.

The root and branch system of the Banyan is extraordinarily complex. It throws out distinct groups of very deep green leaves such that they seem unattached to the tree and are suspended in front of it. Western art needs to explain every leaf’s origin by reference to the trunk, Asian art is full of references to small branches suspended from nothing visible.

I have a choice. I can think “immanently” (yay) or “transcendentally” (boo).

Taking what I call transcendent thinking first. This is what Buddha said is not for our profit: speculating, or more properly attempting to speculate, outside of space and time, outside the Now on fate and eternity. Not only as Kant shows does this generate paradox it also generates fearful and angry thoughts, for one example of transcendent thinking would be for me to say, boo fucking hoo, I only get about 65 years whereas my Dad got 92.

That is to pretend I can think OUTSIDE space and time but I cannot. Die Welt is Alles, was der Fall ist (Wittgenstein) and nothing more. In pondering the whole of life we’re trying to stand outside of life and we cannot. Instead we take the moment and do our best. Right now, that’s taking my prescriptions and going to bed.

To be resentful of any totality is like saying he had a Buick I had an Escort. In immanent thinking I am INSIDE space and time, in the moment, free of pain, full of joy, on a truly beautiful day, and really seeing the Banyan that I’ve passed by every day for 7 years. With a slight ache in my shoulder due to the tumor, knowing that I have done what needed to be done and have the operation on Tuesday which I can pay for.

It’s the mistake they talk about in AA, comparing your insides to his outsides.

The tumor feels weird but I cannot tell if it’s actually growing. Sometimes it seems softer and smaller but when I’m under stress it seems harder and bigger but it would be a waste of time for me to photograph and measure it…that’s the doctor’s job. I have a choice. I can think of it as encroaching on my clavicle, and I like my clavicle a whole lot. But I can also think of my immune system which will kick the tumor cells’ asses if they fuck with the clavicle.

It is a war in a garden. It’s war because the entities in my body know only their survival. It’s a garden because the cancerous body, according to what I read, is not ALL JUST cancer. It is a mostly healthy body with a cancer. If it were not fighting back, my layperson’s understanding is, we’d rot in a day.


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