I take the US citizen test

US Citizenship test (answered extempore without looking things up: not graded)

1. What are the colors of our flag? RED WHITE AND BLUE

2. How many stars are there in our flag? FIFTY

3. What color are the stars on our flag? WHITE

4. What do the stars on the flag mean? THE STATES

5. How many stripes are there in the flag? 13

6. What color are the stripes? RED

7. What do the stripes on the flag mean? THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES

8. How many states are there in the Union? FIFTY

9. What is the 4th of July? DATE OF SIGNING DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

10. What is the date of Independence Day? 4 JULY

11. Independence from whom? GREAT BRITAIN, DAMN YOUR EYES

12. What country did we fight during the Revolutionary War? GREAT BRITAIN, DAMN YOUR EYES

13. Who was the first President of the United States? GEORGE WASHINGTON

14. Who is the President of the United States today? BARACK OBAMA

15. Who is the vice-president of the United States today? JOE BIDEN

16. Who elects the President of the United States? ELECTORS IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE THAT ARE TODAY SELECTED ON A STATE BY STATE BASIS BY VOTERS BUT USED TO BE SELECTED BY STATE LEGISLATURES

17. Who becomes President of the United States if the President should die? THE VICE PRESIDENT

18. For how long do we elect the President? FOUR YEARS

19. What is the Constitution? OUR BASIC LAW TO WHICH ALL STATE AND FEDERAL LAWS MUST CONFORM

20. Can the Constitution be changed? YES

21. What do we call a change to the Constitution? AMENDMENT

22. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution? 26

23. How many branches are there in our government? THREE

24. What are the three branches of our government? LEGISLATIVE EXECUTIVE AND JUDICIAL

25. What is the legislative branch of our government? CONGRESS

26. Who makes the laws in the United States? CONGRESS

27. What is the Congress? THE TWO HOUSES: SENATE AND REPRESENTATIVES

28. What are the duties of Congress? TO PASS LAWS, AUTHORIZE TAXATION AND EXPENDITURES AND APPROVE TREATIES

29. Who elects the Congress? THE PEOPLE OF THE SEVERAL STATS

30. How many senators are there in Congress? 100

31. Can you name the two senators from your state? DICK DURBIN AND I DON’T KNOW

32. For how long do we elect each senator? SIX YEARS

33. How many representatives are there in Congress? A LOT

34. For how long do we elect the representatives? TWO YEARS

35. What is the executive branch of our government? THE PRESIDENT AND EXECUTIVE OFFICES THAT REPORT TO THE PRESIDENT INCLUDING THE ARMED SERVICES

36. What is the judiciary branch of our government? THE SUPREME COURT AND LOWER FEDERAL COURTS

37. What are the duties of the Supreme Court? TO DECIDE CASES THAT INVOLVE A CONSTITUTIONAL QUESTION, TO DECIDE INTERNATIONAL LAW QUESTIONS, AND I FORGET THE REST

38. What is the supreme court law of the United States? QUESTION MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO SUCH LAW, ONLY ARTICLE III OF THE CONSTITUTION TAKEN WITH MARBURY V MADISON, DAMN YOUR EYES

39. What is the Bill of Rights? THE FIRST TEN AMENDMENTS WHICH WERE PASSED SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH THE ORIGINAL CONSTITUTION IN ORDER TO REASSURE THE ANTI-FEDERALISTS, PRIMARILY JEFFERSON AND MADISON, THAT THE CONSTITUTION WOULD NOT BE USED BY TYRANTS, DAMN THEIR EYES

40. What is the capital of your state? SPRINGFIELD

41. Who is the current governor of your state? AS AN EXPAT I’D HAVE TO LOOK IT UP. SURE AIN’T ROD BLAGOJEVICH THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE.

42. Who becomes President of the United States if the President and the vice-president should die? THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

43. Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? JOHN ROBERTS?

44. Can you name thirteen original states? MASSACHUSETTS, CONNECTICUT, RHODE ISLAND, NEW YORK, PENNSYLVANIA, MARYLAND, VIRGINIA, NORTH CAROLINA, SOUTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA, HMM, NEW HAMPSHIRE, NEW JERSEY, DELAWARE BINGO I THINK

45. Who said, “Give me liberty or give me death.”? PATRICK HENRY

46. Which countries were our enemies during World War II? GERMANY, JAPAN, ITALY, ROMANIA, PERHAPS FINLAND

47. What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union? ALASKA AND HAWAII

48. How many terms can the President serve? TWO

49. Who was Martin Luther King, Jr.? AFRICAN AMERICAN MINISTER WHO BECAME THE LEADER OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT OF THE 1950S AND 1960S, MARSHALING THE POWER OF PEACEFUL CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE. INSTRUMENTAL IN GETTING THE LANDMARK CIVIL RIGHTS ACT OF 1964 PASSED. ASSASSINATED IN 1968 BY JAMES EARL RAY

50. Who is the head of your local government? DON’T KNOW. MAYOR OF EVANSTON, ILLINOIS

51. According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name one of these requirements. HE OR SHE MUST BE 35 YEARS OLD

52. Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate? THERE ARE TWO FOR EACH STATE NO MATTER WHAT THE STATE POPULATION IS, SO AS TO FAIRLY REPRESENT SMALL STATES

53. Who selects the Supreme Court justice? THE PRESIDENT APPOINTS THE SENATE CONFIRMS

54. How many Supreme Court justice are there? NINE

55. Why did the Pilgrims come to America? THE DUTCH WERE SICK OF THEM. SERIOUSLY, THEY WERE RADICAL AS OPPOSED TO MODERATE PURITANS, AND UNLIKE PURITANS LIKE MILTON AND LEADERS LIKE CROMWELL, THE PLYMOUTH ROCK PURITANS WERE ABSOLUTELY OPPOSED TO THE SOCIETY OF 17TH CENTURY ENGLAND, BELIEVING IT TO BE UNGODLY

56. What is the head executive of a state government called? GOVERNOR

57. What is the head executive of a city government called? MAYOR

58. What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the Americans colonists? THANKSGIVING

59. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence? HMM. TOM JEFFERSON?

60. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted? 1776

61. What is the basic belief of the Declaration of Independence? THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, DAMN YOUR EYES, AND ENTITLED, DAMN YOUR EYES, TO LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, BURN ME BUTTOCKS

62. What is the national anthem of the United States? THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER

63. Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner? FRANCIS SCOTT KEY

64. Where does freedom of speech come from? THE FIRST AMENDMENT

65. What is a minimum voting age in the United States? 18

66. Who signs bills into law? THE PRESIDENT

67. What is the highest court in the United States? THE SUPREME COURT

68. Who was the President during the Civil War? ABRAHAM LINCOLN

69. What did the Emancipation Declaration do? IT FREED SLAVES IN THOSE ZONES OF THE SOUTH UNDER MILITARY OCCUPATION BY THE UNION IN 1863

70. What special group advises the President? THE CABINET

71. Which President is called the “Father of our country”? GEORGE WASHINGTON

72. What Immigration and Naturalization Service form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen? INS-SOMETHING

73. Who helped the Pilgrims in America? THE NATIVE AMERICANS

74. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America? THE MAYFLOWER

75. What are the 13 original states of the U.S. called? THE THIRTEEN COLONIES

76. Name 3 rights of freedom guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. SPEECH, ASSEMBLY, RELIGION

77. Who has the power to declare the war? “A WAR”, DUMMY. CONGRESS. HOWEVER CONGRESS HASN’T DECLARED WAR SINCE 1941

78. What kind of government does the United States have? REPUBLICAN AND CONSTITUTIONAL

79. Which President freed the slaves? NONE. THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT WAS PASSED AFTER LINCOLN’S ASSASSINATION BUT I’M DAMNED IF I’LL CREDIT ANDREW JOHNSON. IT WERE THE CONGRESS AND THE STATES THAT FREED THE SLAVES BY WAY OF THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT. THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION FREED ONLY SLAVES IN MILITARY OCCUPATION ZONES OF THE SOUTH. IT DIDN’T EVEN FREE SLAVES IN NORTHERN STATES SUCH AS NEW JERSEY.

80. In what year was the Constitution written? 1789

81. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called? THE BILL OF RIGHTS

82. Name one purpose of the United Nations? TO END WAR

83. Where does Congress meet? HUH? IN THE CAPITOL IN WASHINGTON

84. Whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights? THE PEOPLE AND THE STATES

85. What is the introduction to the Constitution called? THE PREAMBLE

86. Name one benefit of being citizen of the United States. HMM…WELL, YOU GETS TO PAY TAXES ON INCOME EARNED ABROAD…JUST KIDDING…YOU HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH…YOU CAN VOTE FOR THE PRESIDENT…YOU CAN MIGRATE TO ANY STATE FROM ANY OTHER…

87. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens? FREEDOM OF SPEECH

88. What is the United States Capitol? THE BUILDING THAT HOUSES THE SENATE AND THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

89. What is the White House? THE PRESIDENT’S HOME AND HOME OFFICE

90. Where is the White House located? PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE IN WASHINGTON DC

91. What is the name of the President’s official home? YOU SCREWING WITH ME? THE WHITE HOUSE.

92. Name the right guaranteed by the first amendment. SPEECH AND RELIGION ARE BOTH NAMED

93. Who is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. military? THE PRESIDENT

94. Which President was the first Commander in Chief of the U.S. military? GEORGE WASHINGTON

95. In what month do we vote for the President? NOVEMBER

96. In what month is the new President inaugurated? JANUARY

97. How many times may a Senator be re-elected? TWICE?

98. How many times may a Congressman be re-elected? UNLIMITED?

99. What are the 2 major political parties in the U.S. today? DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICAN

100. How many states are there in the United States today? FIFTY

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