Workout 4 July 2012
Nicholas Poussin, Bacchus Entrusted: the raising of the god is entrusted by Mercury to river nymphs as Jove rests up from impregnating Bacchus’ Mom, Semele. Echo mourns Narcissus for all the myths are linked as seen in Ovid’s Metamorphoses.
Walked to Hung Shin Yeh beach with weights: water dancing and swimming 50 minutes total. Absolutely stunningly beautiful weather. Green and blue. The grinding hot sand good for my bum foot, the one on the sciatica leg which is somewhat swollen towards the ankle.
Down to Panadol only no sciatica pain just that swelling and numbness.
Let Me Know If You Need an Editor!
Lucky to have today, funds to live on without working…yes on the 4 July you have to go into work in Hong Kong. Will need of course to restart working at some point, hope to sell art and do online work to stay on Lamma…avoid these toxic trips into HK. I am a hell of an editor if you need one, since in editing, as opposed to original writing, my originality as a writer doesn’t get in the way and I have an extraordinary ear for correct grammar and style in another’s writing.
Weight loss! Hate it. Had to rest both ways because of what’s known in Outward Bound as “food stress”, simply had not eaten enough yesterday to get over the hill without a rest. Got Philly Creme Cheese, Japanese cake bread and milk as an emergency measure.
The weight loss seems to me to be caused not by anything physical having to do with the cancer but by depression. Eating is a social activity so when you’re alone you don’t see the point.
No more coffee, use yesterday’s bad experience (black coffee on morning ferry triggered nausea) as an excuse, as it were, to stop. Croak not, black angel.
Use of Prescription Drugs
Skipped Stilnox: a little trouble falling asleep: vivid dreams. The trouble falling asleep caused by my watching Le Roi Danse, a French movie (no subtitles) about the relationship of Lully and Louis XIV. I identify too much with this scene, the moment when Louis’ dance-power fails him. He knows it will but is in denial.
Louis’ Queen and the women of the court gaze unpityingly on Louis’ failure for as far as I can tell, the movie is about the punishment of a male for having a non-homosexual friendship with another to the extent that Lully abandons his wife in labor to play for the sick King. When you’re well this is all very sublime. When you’re feeling ill it is depressing.
It is better to look out the window than watch DVDs. It is a most pleasant scene. There are two houses with the traditional tiled roofs of indigenous housing but new small apartment buildings have been constructed between them and on either side. Plants and trees in profusion. Night or day, sunrise sunset, it’s all good stuff. When you were a kid a window seat was a treat.
For the first time, my neighborhood was in my dreams. It was the same as reality only turned systematically 45 degrees. It was night and filled with sexual intrigue as you might expect.
I was in a flyover over a channel leading to and from a university experiencing the fact that I am so small and unimportant in Hong Kong crowds. A geology student talked to me about her thesis. Then I was in some sort of boat, and sighted a tiny island so close to the city with only a small shed or Tin Yau temple on it…characteristic of Hong Kong is the small boat with the Hakka fisherman and the island with the mariner’s temple. But the fisherman has an outboard motor in all cases.
In another dream a mentor told me that in my language classes I wasn’t getting through. I showed him or her that I was in a demonstration class.
Then I was somewhere back in the USA in a small Midwestern town, trying to get to work at some sort of radio station on a bus that rarely came.
The common theme? Distance, trying to bridge distance. In a context where everybody mocks the Internet, Facebook and long-distance relationships…where the artificiality of technology is a ready-made and selective argument against any human relationship to technology in favor of a false, and to most of us unattainable, Authenticity. Everybody wantstabe the fisherman floating in the bay not noticing that he’s got an outward motor…and a chunk of land on Lamma which he’s developing under permissive indigenous laws that are destroying its environment.
Everybody wants to be the authentic Child like that brat in 2001 who mindlessly asks for a phone when her father’s gone out of his way to call Earth on a phone, and then meaninglessly asks for a bush baby. Nobody wants to be Space Daddy and encounter the unknown slab.
[My anger my anger croak not black angel].
I’d like the starter hormone therapy to work but cannot detect any real systematic changes in the tumor, nor am I qualified to do so. It certainly isn’t causing any weight gain but that’s because single people lose weight. It may be time, soon, to find a more communal living arrangement. And all these pills make me sick in themselves.
I know that people do prolong life and increase life’s quality with modern treatment. But modern treatment an antagonist to nature itself. It’s all just a cigarette compared to what getting over the hill did for me this morning.
Lamma’s new shark sighted off Stanley recently isn’t going to remove the tumor neatly from my shoulder leaving only non-cancerous cells at Power Station Beach unless it is a wise shark on a mission from God. But when I read about the origin of chemo and radiation, it is a “negative dialectic”.
Holistic treatments generally make you feel good, and have benefits outside the specific cure intended. It’s a pretty good idea to reconcile with family members even if such reconciliation cannot be proven to “work”.
Whereas non-holistic treatments such as chemo are the discovery of something really awful and anti-life (the effect of mustard gas in WWI) and its application to cancer defined as malformed and unwanted life in an colonial war. The white blood cells want to fight even as the Chinese wanted to help defend Hong Kong in 1941 but radiation and chemo shoulder them aside.
Turns out that the surgery for removal of the tumor is next week or the week after that. Yesterday’s trip turned out to be for a perfunctory examination of the scar left from the excision biopsy. Then on the 9 I have a “new patient clinic” and another appointment on the 16th. Following that there’s an excision biopsy in the upper GI tract for something described as a polyp on 3 Aug; this was the only thing discovered in an otherwise clean colonoscopy.
In an ordinary patient that excision-biopsy would not be recommended but in me it probably is.
The patient, again, is also a scientist-doctor in that he’s the source of the data and can try to observe empirical reality on behalf of the doctors. He is an object and subject, and I need to read Foucault’s Birth of the Clinic.
I don’t have to use the prescription for anti-nausea because I have a rule of thumb: if the problem is “iatrogenic” and caused by a drug then using another drug to treat it leads to an infinite regress of drugs and meta-drugs. Instead I can give up all coffee, drink milk and eat cheese in moderation to regain weight.
Time for pills…sigh.