Workout Log 29 September 2012: “I could lie down like a tired child and weep away a life of care”


“Nun will die Sonn’ so hell aufgeh’n”
Nun will die Sonn’ so hell aufgeh’n
als sei kein Unglück die Nacht gescheh’n.
Das Unglück geschah nur mir allein.
Die Sonne, sie scheinet allgemein.
Du musst nicht die Nacht in dir verschränken
musst sie ins ew’ge Licht versenken.
Ein Lämplein verlosch in meinem Zelt,
Heil sei dem Freudenlicht der Welt.

“Now the sun wants to rise as brightly”
Now the sun wants to rise as brightly
as if nothing terrible had happened during the night.
The misfortune had happened only to me,
but the sun shines equally on everyone.
You must not enfold the night in you.
You must sink it in eternal light.
A little star went out in my tent!
Greetings to the joyful light of the world.

Hauled ass out of bed at the Evanston YMCA after 12 hours of sleep, dragged oneself down to the pool only to have the lifeguard claim that my red board shorts weren’t “appropriate for swimming” WTF: agreed tp remove the visible Calvins under the board shorts but WTF. Then, after I’d done so in the changing room, the swimming instructor told me I had to use the other pool since a class was starting at 8. The bullshit in the Midwest is piled so high you need wings to stay above it, since my red board shorts fit the commonsense definition of a swimsuit with or without my (clean underwear) and the swimming instructor and the lifeguard might have put their collective dim heads together and not wasted my time.

So I went into the lower temperature pool for a 25 minute water dance following a five minute stair master. Still completely exhausted and just want to sleep.

Yet now despair itself is mild,
Even as the winds and waters are;
I could lie down like a tired child,
And weep away the life of care
Which I have borne, and yet must bear,—
Till death like sleep might steal on me,
And I might feel in the warm air
My cheek grow cold, and hear the sea
Breathe o’er my dying brain its last monotony.

PB Shelley

I could do what Peanut Butter Shelley says he could do but note that the poet only says he could do that. There is something high and fine about right action in despair especially if you create its true record. On such and such a date I could not go on but I did.

So the plan is to return to Hong Kong where it is WARM and return to work. I have a flight on Monday. For the sciatic leg feels hollow and weak in these temperatures.

The Evanston YMCA has a pleasant common room in the form of an Engiish gentlemen’s club and I propose to doze away today in this room, rereading the accidental tourist.

I was reasonably OK until I walked into the funeral home and saw my son laid out and since that time I have not been OK, not at all. They made up the rules for that kid and doled them out at their convenience to make sure his intelligence would not disrupt the mechanism. For example, the math teacher in high school, a clown whom one knows didn’t know jackshit about math, marked Eddie down for using an HP 48C “reverse Polish programmable calculator” to program models of the mathematics he was being mis-taught by Bozo.

When Eddie was little, I taught myself advanced mathematics using the Texas Instruments TI-79 and he was fascinated by the thermal printer and LEDs.

However, Chuckles in high school was one of these procedure guys in which all kids are regarded as inter replaceable parts, which most are but which Eddie was not. But I was not permitted to speak to Bonehead under the general law that my ex-wife never understood my social explanations of which Eddie was getting fucked-over in a feedback loop that included, as had my own relative failure, poor choices on his part, such as a desire for a little slack, and to not have to exhaust himself by learning in two ways: his preferred way, and the way of the administered system.

What was done to Eddie has been done to countless gifted boys and men over the past thirty years. I could get into pre-emptive fights early in the term in order to establish the fact that I would not be bullied and teachers never took down for “too many words” or “sloppy handwriting”. Boys were not considered a lower life form.

I want outa here and to go back to Mandalay. I want to be back in the City of Sadness helping the kids.


One Response to “Workout Log 29 September 2012: “I could lie down like a tired child and weep away a life of care””

  1. I am sorry for your loss. Your Eddie is looking down on you and is proud of the great father you were and will meet you at the pearly gates when it is your time.

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