27 July 2013

20 minute workout in 10/10 (agonizing) pain at 5:56 AM: pain owing to the pulling and stretching of nerve over the last two days will hopefully settle down. Today I’ve resolved to work through sciatica and other obviously cancer source pains in workouts because the workout is that important.

Levels of pleasure/pain starting with pleasure as negative numbers and going to positive for pain. Which makes little sense.

-2000/10 You know what, the big O
-1000/10 Abnormally great exercise high (London Marathon, etc)
-100/10 Normal exercise high
-50/10 Conversation with someone smarter than me
-2/10 Something interesting on YouTube
-1/10 Feeling that the Fentanyl is kicking in
0/10 Where it’s proper to be, probably (that’s a poem!)
1/10 I’m a pussy for even mentioning it
2/10 pussy pussy pussy
3/10 Whoa now
4/10 Bang
5/10 #$%%!!!!
6/10 Ai-yah!!
7/10 Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynamethywillbedone …
9/10 SHOOT ME NOW (my kid comes up pokes his head over the bed and says bang!)
10/10 Silence and alert awareness of the pain whilst Buddhist and Christian texts float through my brain and my body making my pain go negative as they sync up with Fentanyl


Is where it’s proper to be, most of the time, and probably.
You don’t wanna be
The Queen of Germany, always in a rage like Gilda was
On the old Saturday Night Live, for that’s the buzz.
It is best to be the land of the Swiss,
Or a countree you never even heard of
Hast thou ever been, has thou ever seen
Oh San Marino, or Lichtensteen?
That’s the point, my lord, emulative be
Of Brigadoons real. Seek thou the seacoast
Of Bohemia and the Terra Nullius of
Where men’s head do grow beneath their shoulders
And some are hazardous and anthrophage.
But until thy wound is healed through His grace
I shall take thee to safer place.
I shall take thee
To the lost Duchy of Grantham so fair
Or a country Utopian whose name means, nowhere.
Do not rage for earthy fame:
For from it comes death, ignominy and shame.

Edward G. Nilges 27 July 2013: Copyright (c) 2013 Edward G. Nilges, moral rights asserted.

I did flatten out my bed and sleep with the problem left leg extended, and last night’s sleep was better than the two previous nights so we’re perhaps on the right track. I have Chemo in the coming week which may also help. I flatter myself that the Chemo and exercise are working but we’ll see.

If I have five years that’s a lot of water under the bridge. If I have six months I will have spoken to the new GrandBugs Tessa and Esme, and using my phone time, told them stories like I used to tell peter.

But I need to return to the narrative of this morning’s rather frightful but profitable workout. Hope it’s not too scarey!

With a horrible rictus, and with my face in the window of my room at ground floor level, I did first 100 lowrise steps with aerobic agony and carcinogenetic pain, like a Lovecraft daemon: the Face at the Window:

“For now I wake up screaming from dreams of Yog Soth’oth and the face, screaming at the window. The devil of it, Madison, is that it’s a handsome, white, European face, manly-lined and etched with care: yet it terrifies me as no Black-a-moor’s or Chinaman’s [1] face could. I think, and I ask you to shoot me after I tell you, that it is our Edward’s face.”

It is fortunate that I workout this way consistently at dawn so some kid doesn’t see me. Children and adolescents read inferior books about “The Horror” whereas I seem to be passing through it, the Heart of Darkness. But Lovecraft when he fell ill learned to make terms with the Beyond. We have to no choice.

Religious faith helps in particular my trust in the Harrowing of Hell’s having locked Satan, his Imps and other supernatural beings such as witches in Hell. I don’t think some Goody wife is a witch even if she goes abroad cursing and muttering. For one thing I often go abroad cursing and muttering even though I am not a broad.

But my views are found nowhere in the official Church’s teachings although hate-filled and neurotic doctrines including the belief in exorcism remain. These doctrines, while they provide wicked fodder for reporters anxious for cheap thrills, are to me repugnant and I don’t accept them.

I then walked to the stairwell and did fifty stair steps. Then I climbed and descended one half a flight of stairs, and returned to bed…but stopping the exercise caused, unexpectedly, a great deal of pain, more than when I was “the face at the window”.

The great male nurse C admonished me for screaming as I threw myself on the bed and he was right. The pain was caused by voluntary actions and the dawn hours are for us often the only time when we get continuous alpha level sleep and Pain stops lashing many of the homeboys, so it is inconsiderate to scream in pain between 3 and 7 AM approximately.

[Stamp and Crash, all rise, announcement!]

Officers and gentlemen do not scream in agony and are advised so to counsel other ranks! Leather strips are available for biting! Right. Right? Right. RIGHT!

[Stamp and crash of boots as the Adjutant leaves.]

Screen Shot 2013-07-27 at 12.03.20 PM


[1] I struggled here over how to phrase this. “Negroid” is offensively close to the cluster of Spanish slave-driver words based on “black and therefore suitable for slavery” of which the worst is “the n word”.

“Blackamoor” on the other hand mocks the user, as self-mockery, for it’s pretentious and Shakespearean.

My late son told me a couple of years ago that it’s “racist” to use “Chinaman” mostly because the user sounds stupid and as if he’s about to fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend. So perhaps there’s a class of words that are racist-zero because they are in all cases ironic or perhaps I’m full of shit.

I shall add today’s Kant notes and other material to a new post after lunch for fading butt pain and Wan Fei-Yu (I think) on the HDTV in the day room distracts.

Quiz Time!

“fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend” contains how many errors: scroll down for the answer and explanations



There are FOUR errors in “fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend”.

“Frisco” is an old-fashioned name for San Francisco and a bygone railroad (long since made a part, I believe and haven’t confirmed, of the Union Pacific).

“China Town” is no longer a proper name for a pricey zone of San Francisco: it has no name but is adjacent to North Beach. “China Town” also, somewhat incorrectly, “fronts” the noun “Town” with the noun “China”; while this is correct informally the adjective “Chinese” is available for formal and semi-formal speech and writing.

“China Town” is informal enough to sound like mockery of people who live in that district and its connotation is that the “Town” is where the Chinese are supposed to live; “Chinese town”, without the capitalization of “town”, is more neutral and its connotation is that the town is lived in by Chinese as a matter of fact.

“Chinatown” runs the slightly misused fronting adjective into “Town” making the situation worse because now, “Chinatown” becomes the only correct district people from
China should live in, they being of a different species.

My (late) son Eddie rebuked me for using “Chinatown” and “Chinaman” because both date me and sound and are, Eddie said, “stupid”.

“Chop suey” was a joke name made up by Chinese restaurant operators to fool Westerners into thinking that the day’s leavings were a sophisticated Chinese meal. In fact, Westerners, especially wealthy Westerners, are eating lower and lower down on the food chain as species (especially oceanic species) die off. It is well that they do so, and it increased the profit of restaurant owners. But it doesn’t indicate deep hipster wisdom. Only fad following.

The fad for “raw fish” in which sushi was popularized in the West in the early 1980s horrified older Westerners but as in the case of chop suey and “egg rolls”, which were popularized in urban areas in the 1950s, a public relations campaign persuaded au fait Westerners, hipsters that is of the 1950s or the 1980s, that chopped leftover vegetables, whether served steamed as in chop suey or in a roll of fried dough as in the “egg” (?) roll, was quite the cuisine that was haut (as in “oat”).

Finally, “Muslim” is so preferred today by actual members of the Islamic faith to “Moslem” that “Moslem”, altho acceptable, is considered by publishers and Muslims an error. It might piss Muslims off, so don’t use it. You don’t want to piss Moslems off. Do you.

Richard Attenborough’s films are a good guide to Indo-British pronunciation. In his film Gandhi about the life of Gandhi-Ji, the Hindus in the film during the 1948 Hindu-Muslim riots clearly scream and holler “death to Muhslims” or “death to Mooslims” and not “death to Mahslims” in a maddening way that drives Nehru, Kirpalani and even Gandhi-Ji bat shit, with the Muslim crowds (the pronunciation of their name being best captured using a u whether the sound is “uh” or “oo”) screaming “death to Hindus” or in archaic spelling, “Hindoos”, in reply, confirming that the “u” best captures the oo sound in modern English spelling. Despite the variability of the correct pronunciation the spelling has resolved around “Muslim”, not Moslim, nor Moslem, nor Muslem, nor (to cite a genuinely antique case) “Musselman”.

Change Record

7 Aug 2013: Changed adjective clear to adverb “clearly” in “clear scream and holler”
“Now” in same passage corrected to “nor”


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