Archive for pain

7 Oct 2013: I get no kick from cocaine?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on October 7, 2013 by spinoza1111

No workout at all today for the first no-workout day in months because of last night’s pain which was a multiple of the intensity of the intensity of the night before.  Saturday night’s pain was really bad, and I now know this to be because of my walking workout in which I was secretly and pridefully trying to get back to the Garden (running), for last night’s (Sunday night’s) pain was very intense and easily a ten over ten…perhaps it smashed the barometer.

This was a typical experience in running where when I ignored pain, I’d suffer intensely. The obvious “cure” is not to walk or run at this level of intensity and at this duration at least not for now.

“I bring you suffering: I bring you the release from suffering” – Buddha

The pain was alleviated at last by stilnox and fentanyl which like the smart little guy with the big hammer ten times his size knocked me out. But before that the extraordinary agony (no, don’t italicize it, Chuckles, it ain’t a Greek word) had confronted Saturday night’s prideful claim that I could overcome pain, even tho’ I shied away from that claim, knowing it to be pride, and Pride is “a stick of shitfire with a wick on it”.

But in the agony there was me, a wondering me still, wondering how I could be still there…choral dance in the style of Sophocles:

In the agon there was … me
Dancing amidst the Furies I defied them
But also tempted them to do their worst.
Man proud man must thereby discover his own limits,
For he has said

(Aside, no, “not before he’s dead”, I want no jinglee rhyme this time)

Oh, OK, you can sneak that line in:
But this is noble verse “high and working”, and a combat not of bells,
But of hammers as we strike each other as Hector and Achilles,
Or Palamon and Arcite
In final battle, like the government shutdown.

But my reward for what patience I “shown”, to use the grammar of Pittsburgh Dad who “seen” a tornado in this agon:  was Suffering and then, reciprocal to suffering, this morning’s Buddhist Release from Suffering: “I bring you Suffering” is not just accidentally linked to “I bring you Release”.

It’s a Mystery, as Hemyngs says in “Shakespeare in Love”. Pittsburgh Dad, rather like Homer Simpson, is, qua Dad, the locus of what’s so airily dismissed as patriarchal culture. He seen the storm, he seen Hypolyte being destroyed by the monster I’th’old play (Phèdre). Mother tries to comfort but my Dad told me when I was in the hospital that I needed to be “patient” like a “patient” in a pun of some wisdom tho’ pretty lame.

Since in a chart based on an Excel spreadsheet as a teacher, I discovered some Great Learning as opposed to Trivial Pursuit (“the participle like ‘seen’ or ‘shown’ is always preceded by a helper verb in the ‘have’ family”) I could immediately spot, and more helpfully explain, blunders like that of Pittsburgh Dad. For the student wants Great Learning such as was in my table in which I combined all possibilities of grammar forms in a verb phrase.

I won’t post the table right now because I’m like the mathematician I met at Princeton (damn right I name drop), John Horton Conway who in a seminar at Princeton’s short-lived “John von Neumann Center” (damn right! How do ya like me now!?) Conway said he never liked to search for the paperwork of a proof he’d constructed; it was easier and more fun for him to do the proof again, and, he could spot errors and make improvements! Even as I preferred to rewrite software tools (considered as “lemmas” on the way to a desired theorem) than locate them in a mess or worse use some other person’s idiot idea of the proof unless she was a Knuth, John Nash, Brian Kernighan or Melinda Varian (where Donald Knuth or the three Princeton personalities I mention were excellent sources of software tools and references to tools; John Nash arguably the least “user friendly” but displayed a clear grasp of the notions as early as the early 1950s, which was amazing.)

I have to put the To-Do note “reconstruct and post the verb phrase grammar chart” on top of the wobbly “stacka stuff I gotta do” hopin’ it don’t collapse (to continue, briefly, in “Pittsburgh Dad” style) but trust me I find such activity fun and even analgesic. For “I get no kick in a plane, flying real high with some guy in the sky is my idea of nothing to do”.


26 Sep 2013: Paint It Black (1)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on September 26, 2013 by spinoza1111

Worked out 23..26 Sep with 20 minutes including 150..200 step aerobics first thing every morning.

But having increasing health issues including: standard hip pain and now, headache that spreads and increases to migraine levels.

Have 570.00 HKD in wallet and more in bank. Not too concerned about effect of USD government shutdown on social security payments on October payment of “my” social security since these checks have been coming and I have been able to save.

30 July 2013: savage pain, workout suspended

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 29, 2013 by spinoza1111

Savage pain last night (20/10) woke me up several times even tho’ I was sleeping full length. Painkiller booster every hour until I was silly on Fentanyl boosters. I don’t think I overdid it but the user of Fentanyl syrup needs to be responsible around these issues.

No step aerobics, dance aerobics or running thru 4 august. This has already created benefit.

Note that the blog post for 29 July has gone missing. It contains important content for pain logs, software development and Kant study so if you have a copy put it into a Comment anywhere on this blog.

Note on my personal policy concerning photographs of my grandchildren

A father’s children are “his” in ordinary language altho the story of Isaac and Abraham begins to deny that the father’s sons are “his”. Divorced grandfather have a special problem after thirty-odd years, in some cases, of being an emotional scapegoat and outlet as in “pow! biff! blam!, says the Piller Killer for being a dead, or Grateful Dead following white in most cases, beat in other cases as in deadbeat Grateful Dead following more-interested-than-his-TRS80-than-in-us male.

“He left us.”

“You wanted him to leave.”

“OK, there is nothing wrong with that.”

Actually, there is.

But, to stop exploring side issues and face the Now, a grandfather’s children are not automatically his in the way a grandmother’s are. By the time the children see Granma (I love the variant spellings of that word) both the seers and the Seen are needy, for medical care and financial help, but may not admit it, therefore the grandmothers and grandchildren can conspire to exclude the fierce pain of the Grandfather and recreate a false paradise of childhood when the yard went on forever and there was a birdbath.

Creating those interesting “reason not the need” conversations on the drive home. “Granny Mama and Pitcher Rick’s got a birdbath! [Again, recall what I said about the Nine Billion Names of a grandparent and note how second marriages can introduce the raffish and Damon Runyonesque name into the most genteel ‘hood] Whycum not us?” “Because I say so!!”

There it is, and you have to say so, lay down the law as it were. Might help to smash the first cut as we see Moses doing on that (according to our Holy Sisters in Catholic School) overly literal film of the Ten Commandments.

But, I digress.

I won’t publish my grand-daughters’ images on WordPress or any completely public area of the Internet, but, I do publish them on Facebook. If you like, you can “apply” to be my Facebook Friend but we’ll need some history of interaction outside WordPress, or heavy interaction inside, to avoid the wrath of FB.

I have, and will continue to, publish art based on their image which will always be respectful.

I brood! (je pense!) over a picture of little Esme Sesame!!

Oh my god those eyes (les yeux!! himmels-Augen!!: “heaven’s eyes”).

“Why doesn’t somebody just shoot me in the head? BANG!” – Hook.

I mean for the love of Mike, what would happen if my former wife, my son and grand-daughters were to just show in the way people show up for yain in hospitals when you’re punk: they float like angels, for the most part, or process servers and cops in some instances, into your field of vision “in a moment, at the twinkling of an eye”.

But again: if my family showed up by surprise
In the sea-washed world of my tearful eyes…

I’d have a FIT and might need medical attention. Xs for eyes and a sort of goofy smile.

Esme is very Perky.

Perky little Esme does her perky thang and perks up perkily at the camera. Her eyes are beautiful, like the jungle….She is Perkadelic… And, I see where my son Peter (jungly Peter) has rightfully acquired a little baby seat for her with colorful poppets that wave springily back, and forth. We know from Kant that this rich sensory input is in empirical apperception converted to a Concept such as “dem widdle junglee things what wiggle, and hit me in da nose sometime”.

PerkyEsme knows herself to be Other with respect to dem widdle junglee things for she is not Parsifal, she does not hit herself in the nose. She develops a center thereby. Parents should do many stupid things to demonstrate this for their children…ideas are on youtube, including a baby who thinks it’s a riot to tear up letters rejecting daddycucamonga’s latest job application.

Kant Study

Continues, but have no time to comment on this at this time.

In this blog I hope I have deconstructed the foolish opposition between emotion and reason. It’s a load of cod.

28 July 2018: De Plane!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 28, 2013 by spinoza1111

Pain. Pain. Pain.

“De Pain, Boss!”

Still in some pain as I write three hours later: 20 minute workout first thing at 6:00 AM: very painful: 10/10 at times. Up from yesterday and day before.

Although lying flat does prevent night pain, I was in 5/10 pain on arising and had to punch thru 100 lowrise steps, a walk and 200 supine reps with weights. Inadvertent moves then caused screaming unless I focused on the need to keep quiet and take the pain during early morning workouts to let my homeys have their own pain-free sleep at this time when, in Horatio’s words,

No planets strike,
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow’d and so gracious is the time.

– Shakespeare, Hamlet

Loading up on painkiller even as I write, but troubled and worried in mind for this could be a permanent change. Down we go unless I trust in Thee.

Still plan to workout, thru the pain but this commitment may not be kept if nthis pain increases, which would indicate that my compulsive working out may be the cause of this pain, and, possibly, much worse.

Evening 28 July note: for this week, do no step workouts. Walking and supine dance with or without weights OK for typical durations of 20, 30, 30+ minutes; will get leg workouts from the Rackety Rower in Physio.

Keeping Computers Alive (with No Money From a Hospital Bed)

Nick the Brain has found that my Black Screen of Death on my MacAir, which has me using a Powerbook, was caused by a dying fan. Not good, because given the way a Mac Air depends on cool air (because its electronics are so powerful and packed in a small space in a way unprecedented in the Mac world), not only the Fan but also the system, depending on cool air flow patterns from the Fan, must shut down unexpectedly to avoid a Kentucky Fried Computer. This only appears to be a software problem but it’s a hardware feature which overrides software.

In addition, Nick the Brain points out that by dropping and cracking my Mac Air I create air holes and apertures which the power engineers could not anticipate. You’d think the holes would consistently cool the computer but as I learned, years ago, in my Windows certification class, they will generally HEAT the computer (whether by way of a crack or removing a panel on a desktop running Windows) since the air flow on either an old Windows or new MacAir system was designed to be OPTIMAL…therefore almost any change will HEAT the computer.

It’s just logic, not Weird Science: if airflow is as near to the theoretical best B such that airflow is B* (B*<B), the chance of accidentally changing your airflow, by dropping your computer, for the better and making the actual airflow A optimal such that B*<A<=B will be zero. Since A can NEVER exceed B by definition A will always be less than B*…worse than any airflow improvement obtained by dropping the system like a stupid idiot.

The problem HERE is that I drop computers, like unto a stupid idiot. I do so more frequently than the average end user because my natural clumsiness which was learned behavior back in the day is reinforced by the crippling effect of my cancer.

So now my resources for communicating with the world consist of a PowerBook 13 inch system with a cracked screen and a Mac Air that may be fried. In addition there's an excellent, and well-supported, Windows system which I can use for emergencies in the common room.

I could break into savings to get an HP Mini running Windows and .Net (native, not mono) or another MacAir but at this time I think it far more prudent to hack around and put up with problems for you learn more from such hacking and "with putting up".

But but … this returns me to my role of "the only truly effective computer user in the room" unless Nick Berriff (the Brain) is here, and this means I have to devote blocks of time to learning the latest "best designs" of idiots, hacks and corporate drones who don't give a s*t…unlike me or Nick. But I would rather read Kant.

Oh well.

Kant Study

Includes significant updates added 28 July 2018

Finished Michelle Grier on “The Ideal of Pure Reason”, primarily a discussion of the ontological proof method in general. Although Kant famously rejected the equivocation on properties and “existence” and other prerequisites to having properties he did believe that objects in the world could have a perfection as it were of properties and tried in the Ideal to make use of this.

To determine (or describe) a thing completely would seem to require that we know all possible positive predicates of that thing and have a list, say (A…Z, A0…Z0, … Az…Zz) of applicable predicates handy. Each NEGATIVE predicate (where, for example, “bad” is ~good or “male” is ~female in the sort of taxonomy we’d look for at this point) can be removed.

Of course, Kant’s optimism on this is rather touching. We can discover new predicates and in other cases we can find predicates meaningless as applied to certain objects. But proceeding as if these wrinkles were ironed-over…

…there exists a perfect being PB such that A(PB) & B(PB) & C(PB) & … Zz(PB) qed.

For example, if we can in such a facile manner prove the existence of the perfect being we also can prove using the same method, the existence of the Perfect Being’s “foil”, PBF, let’s say the Devil, simply by writing (~A(PBF) & ~B(PBF) & … & ~Zz(PBF).

And, if God doesn’t exist, and the same set of properties applies to God and the Devil in reverse, then the Devil doesn’t exist: God exists if and only if the devil exists: you can prove God’s existence by proving the Devil’s existence: “Imagine there’s no heaven”. Because you can in this world enumerate all properties of God, and because its logic is consistently two-valued, questions are easily answered in favor of God.

Complexity of thought is discouraged in universities which increasingly find it difficult to teach philosophy as opposed to “values and ethics” classes with a conservative slant, “critical thinking” with a nice leftist bias exactly where it is needed, or a neutral comparative religion class which isn’t philoophy.

However, we should leave off attacking modern philosophical pedagogy and take a look at our reasoning from overly facile lists of attributes to big results. At this point, we’ve been reduced to conjuror’s tricks which assume almost that beings can be brought into existence by writing or saying certain Kabbalah-like things but that is nonsense. What we’ve done is shown the backward-looking nature of Kant’s thought in addition to its forward looking nature when he, like we, reifies properties; traditional grammar did this as a matter of course since no need was seen for dividing things and properties when both were nouns in most languaged.

However, Kant’s thought is the ground of the very developments in modern logic which he would probably have found most useful, but which defy him here, including the very idea that our ordinary language including the ordinary mathematical notation we use in the spot (without fear that our calculus has occult, Kabbalistic power).

Both traditional and modern logic can treat properties as things and thereby making lists of properties including the excellencies of a Perfect Being. But modern logic can discover contradictory and nonsense properties (such as “shaves all men that do not shave themselves”) that much better.

In a sort of “hack” of symbolic logic notation I can “say” things that look meaningful such as this paraphrase of “some properties are excellencies but not all”.

(Ex)[isProperty(x) && isAnExcellency(x)] && (Ey)[isProperty(x) && ~isAnExcellency(x)]

These amusing parlor games raise issues. For example, the above implies that the world has two objects, one of which is an ordinary object and the other a property.

Now, suppose we have implemented the above notation as a “programming language” (which I ask you not to do for your own sanity). If its world data base contains fewer than two objects then we crash, or at best “there is a bug”. There may also be problems if there is object in the world which is an “excellency”.

I am not saying there are problems. I am saying that in my experience, the problem of “data with no value” was a philosophical and sociological education in itself.

“Data with no value” occurs in outlier and deviant cases and therefore deserves the most attention in social research and computing while getting the least, as does data that doesn’t fit a reified framework (male or female).

If the And operator is not implemented lazily such that in A && B, the “lazy” evaluator does NOT evaluate B when A implies that such evaluation may be a problem, then we crash. Computing here overrides the social need.

But because I have needed so much painkiller booster today, I am getting quite fuzzy and unequal to digital philosophy. I shall return to this subject tomorrow (Monday, China dating, 29 July 2013 starting around 0900, and going to 0100 (1:00 AM approximately USA).

I have just sleepily plugged this Kant Study in. I am so unutterably sleepy that it would be best to check it out tomorrow. My prose must flow between male and female polarities … zzz … huh wuzzat. I shall be well rested tomorrow, and won’t have to torment myself, doing mega step aerobics. Kant students, including graduate students studying Kant, are asked to comment on my sanity based on their knowledge of Kant, helping me to detect whether I’m going off the rails. When thanks to the professionalism and scholarship of the late ED Klemke at Roosevelt University in 1970, and that of his mentor Henry Veatch at Northwestern, we all had the extraordinary privilege of reading the complete Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus I had the privilege, perhaps the last time in the West, of reading a complete text and my purpose is to recreate what such close reading is like.

Change Record

1 Aug 2013 Correction to post date. [Change records are important here because we’re possibly documenting a Singularity here. “28 Feb 2028”?? Uh, NO, I cannot travel in time! Make it 28 July 2018, something like that.]’

27 July 2013

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 27, 2013 by spinoza1111

20 minute workout in 10/10 (agonizing) pain at 5:56 AM: pain owing to the pulling and stretching of nerve over the last two days will hopefully settle down. Today I’ve resolved to work through sciatica and other obviously cancer source pains in workouts because the workout is that important.

Levels of pleasure/pain starting with pleasure as negative numbers and going to positive for pain. Which makes little sense.

-2000/10 You know what, the big O
-1000/10 Abnormally great exercise high (London Marathon, etc)
-100/10 Normal exercise high
-50/10 Conversation with someone smarter than me
-2/10 Something interesting on YouTube
-1/10 Feeling that the Fentanyl is kicking in
0/10 Where it’s proper to be, probably (that’s a poem!)
1/10 I’m a pussy for even mentioning it
2/10 pussy pussy pussy
3/10 Whoa now
4/10 Bang
5/10 #$%%!!!!
6/10 Ai-yah!!
7/10 Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynamethywillbedone …
9/10 SHOOT ME NOW (my kid comes up pokes his head over the bed and says bang!)
10/10 Silence and alert awareness of the pain whilst Buddhist and Christian texts float through my brain and my body making my pain go negative as they sync up with Fentanyl


Is where it’s proper to be, most of the time, and probably.
You don’t wanna be
The Queen of Germany, always in a rage like Gilda was
On the old Saturday Night Live, for that’s the buzz.
It is best to be the land of the Swiss,
Or a countree you never even heard of
Hast thou ever been, has thou ever seen
Oh San Marino, or Lichtensteen?
That’s the point, my lord, emulative be
Of Brigadoons real. Seek thou the seacoast
Of Bohemia and the Terra Nullius of
Where men’s head do grow beneath their shoulders
And some are hazardous and anthrophage.
But until thy wound is healed through His grace
I shall take thee to safer place.
I shall take thee
To the lost Duchy of Grantham so fair
Or a country Utopian whose name means, nowhere.
Do not rage for earthy fame:
For from it comes death, ignominy and shame.

Edward G. Nilges 27 July 2013: Copyright (c) 2013 Edward G. Nilges, moral rights asserted.

I did flatten out my bed and sleep with the problem left leg extended, and last night’s sleep was better than the two previous nights so we’re perhaps on the right track. I have Chemo in the coming week which may also help. I flatter myself that the Chemo and exercise are working but we’ll see.

If I have five years that’s a lot of water under the bridge. If I have six months I will have spoken to the new GrandBugs Tessa and Esme, and using my phone time, told them stories like I used to tell peter.

But I need to return to the narrative of this morning’s rather frightful but profitable workout. Hope it’s not too scarey!

With a horrible rictus, and with my face in the window of my room at ground floor level, I did first 100 lowrise steps with aerobic agony and carcinogenetic pain, like a Lovecraft daemon: the Face at the Window:

“For now I wake up screaming from dreams of Yog Soth’oth and the face, screaming at the window. The devil of it, Madison, is that it’s a handsome, white, European face, manly-lined and etched with care: yet it terrifies me as no Black-a-moor’s or Chinaman’s [1] face could. I think, and I ask you to shoot me after I tell you, that it is our Edward’s face.”

It is fortunate that I workout this way consistently at dawn so some kid doesn’t see me. Children and adolescents read inferior books about “The Horror” whereas I seem to be passing through it, the Heart of Darkness. But Lovecraft when he fell ill learned to make terms with the Beyond. We have to no choice.

Religious faith helps in particular my trust in the Harrowing of Hell’s having locked Satan, his Imps and other supernatural beings such as witches in Hell. I don’t think some Goody wife is a witch even if she goes abroad cursing and muttering. For one thing I often go abroad cursing and muttering even though I am not a broad.

But my views are found nowhere in the official Church’s teachings although hate-filled and neurotic doctrines including the belief in exorcism remain. These doctrines, while they provide wicked fodder for reporters anxious for cheap thrills, are to me repugnant and I don’t accept them.

I then walked to the stairwell and did fifty stair steps. Then I climbed and descended one half a flight of stairs, and returned to bed…but stopping the exercise caused, unexpectedly, a great deal of pain, more than when I was “the face at the window”.

The great male nurse C admonished me for screaming as I threw myself on the bed and he was right. The pain was caused by voluntary actions and the dawn hours are for us often the only time when we get continuous alpha level sleep and Pain stops lashing many of the homeboys, so it is inconsiderate to scream in pain between 3 and 7 AM approximately.

[Stamp and Crash, all rise, announcement!]

Officers and gentlemen do not scream in agony and are advised so to counsel other ranks! Leather strips are available for biting! Right. Right? Right. RIGHT!

[Stamp and crash of boots as the Adjutant leaves.]

Screen Shot 2013-07-27 at 12.03.20 PM


[1] I struggled here over how to phrase this. “Negroid” is offensively close to the cluster of Spanish slave-driver words based on “black and therefore suitable for slavery” of which the worst is “the n word”.

“Blackamoor” on the other hand mocks the user, as self-mockery, for it’s pretentious and Shakespearean.

My late son told me a couple of years ago that it’s “racist” to use “Chinaman” mostly because the user sounds stupid and as if he’s about to fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend. So perhaps there’s a class of words that are racist-zero because they are in all cases ironic or perhaps I’m full of shit.

I shall add today’s Kant notes and other material to a new post after lunch for fading butt pain and Wan Fei-Yu (I think) on the HDTV in the day room distracts.

Quiz Time!

“fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend” contains how many errors: scroll down for the answer and explanations



There are FOUR errors in “fly to Frisco to go to China town for chop suey with his Moslem friend”.

“Frisco” is an old-fashioned name for San Francisco and a bygone railroad (long since made a part, I believe and haven’t confirmed, of the Union Pacific).

“China Town” is no longer a proper name for a pricey zone of San Francisco: it has no name but is adjacent to North Beach. “China Town” also, somewhat incorrectly, “fronts” the noun “Town” with the noun “China”; while this is correct informally the adjective “Chinese” is available for formal and semi-formal speech and writing.

“China Town” is informal enough to sound like mockery of people who live in that district and its connotation is that the “Town” is where the Chinese are supposed to live; “Chinese town”, without the capitalization of “town”, is more neutral and its connotation is that the town is lived in by Chinese as a matter of fact.

“Chinatown” runs the slightly misused fronting adjective into “Town” making the situation worse because now, “Chinatown” becomes the only correct district people from
China should live in, they being of a different species.

My (late) son Eddie rebuked me for using “Chinatown” and “Chinaman” because both date me and sound and are, Eddie said, “stupid”.

“Chop suey” was a joke name made up by Chinese restaurant operators to fool Westerners into thinking that the day’s leavings were a sophisticated Chinese meal. In fact, Westerners, especially wealthy Westerners, are eating lower and lower down on the food chain as species (especially oceanic species) die off. It is well that they do so, and it increased the profit of restaurant owners. But it doesn’t indicate deep hipster wisdom. Only fad following.

The fad for “raw fish” in which sushi was popularized in the West in the early 1980s horrified older Westerners but as in the case of chop suey and “egg rolls”, which were popularized in urban areas in the 1950s, a public relations campaign persuaded au fait Westerners, hipsters that is of the 1950s or the 1980s, that chopped leftover vegetables, whether served steamed as in chop suey or in a roll of fried dough as in the “egg” (?) roll, was quite the cuisine that was haut (as in “oat”).

Finally, “Muslim” is so preferred today by actual members of the Islamic faith to “Moslem” that “Moslem”, altho acceptable, is considered by publishers and Muslims an error. It might piss Muslims off, so don’t use it. You don’t want to piss Moslems off. Do you.

Richard Attenborough’s films are a good guide to Indo-British pronunciation. In his film Gandhi about the life of Gandhi-Ji, the Hindus in the film during the 1948 Hindu-Muslim riots clearly scream and holler “death to Muhslims” or “death to Mooslims” and not “death to Mahslims” in a maddening way that drives Nehru, Kirpalani and even Gandhi-Ji bat shit, with the Muslim crowds (the pronunciation of their name being best captured using a u whether the sound is “uh” or “oo”) screaming “death to Hindus” or in archaic spelling, “Hindoos”, in reply, confirming that the “u” best captures the oo sound in modern English spelling. Despite the variability of the correct pronunciation the spelling has resolved around “Muslim”, not Moslim, nor Moslem, nor Muslem, nor (to cite a genuinely antique case) “Musselman”.

Change Record

7 Aug 2013: Changed adjective clear to adverb “clearly” in “clear scream and holler”
“Now” in same passage corrected to “nor”

28 June 2013: Knowledge, Experience and Pain

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 28, 2013 by spinoza1111

20 mn workout at dawn: walking, three flights of stairs, one later on. Very tired-out, rested twice. The aerobic “step” was taken back by physio and they forgot to return it so I was unable to do my usual 150 steps. Note to self. No need for this if physio doesn’t want me to have it in the room. Just walk to stairwell and do 100 steps at first, alternating L/R at fifty, to simulate the lower rise of the step device. Then gradually increase. Watch exhaustion note cannot crash on the bed (thinking of oneself as Eric Liddell winning the race despite being tripped) may start at a lover step count owing to this.

Or, do the steps after the walk and stagger back to bed.

I always like to plan and scheme about workouts. It makes me so sad at times to no longer be able to run, and if I could, I’d feel like the guy in the film Avatar who without “real” legs, is able to run in a virtual body. Catholics believe in the literal resurrection of the body because they don’t hate the body, they don’t want it chained to a desk.

Kant: continue to read the final chapters of the Critique and the Prolegomena. Neat sound byte in the Prolegomena is: Hume bases Knowledge on Expreience: Kant bases Experience on a (small amount of) (built in) Knowledge. Given what we know about computers, whose architects design-in word lengths and instruction sets, Hume’s tabula rasa is wrong altho preferred by the many, who find it rather queer that when they bark their shins, as did Samuel Johnson and Thomas Reid, this is not an unmediated perception.

Rather strange since many doctors of the time of Reid and Johnson did not think children felt pain, and, perhaps, owing to this, children were enthusiastically savaged in their era. It may be that lower phyla do not feel pain, having only those physical organs needed to register the sensation, but not enough “brain” for the apperception that “this hurts” which seems (to the practical palliative doctor concerned with eliminating pain) to be worse the more self-aware (sensitive) the patient is.

The highly refined, highly self-aware patient like me (ha!) may just have more brain devoted to apperception. We see ourselves contemplating Poussin: we feel ourselves in pain. In the latter case we have to develop ways of feeling yet somehow not feeling pain as in the case of the even more refined apperception of the monk, or for that matter the fantastical duke of dark corners.

9 June 2013

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 9, 2013 by spinoza1111

First-thing again 20 minutes, again 100 supine pullups, 100 steps on alternate legs.

The last ten steps on the weakened leg are very hard indeed and cornily I imagine Jane Fonda’s leg-warmered ghost urging me on. Corny!

Heavy pain, as on former mornings during and especially after workout at left hip cancer site, was relieved by breakout syrup med..

Pain. Normally bearable (what alternative is there?) And, it’s a real treat when it stops, whether through meditation, breathing, positioning, or a good old slam of Fentanyl syrup. Sometimes pain stops when it’s still there; that of course is just a shift in your mental attitude. And, there’s my discovery made in June of last year when I went out on a sort of “My Dinner With Andre” with a very smart Oxonian graduate: the company of the learned and charming, especially people more learned and charming than I, is a marvelous relief from pain: during that Dinner with Andre I forgot to feel pain.

Also, pain helps one attend to boring and nearly incomprehensible books such as guess what Der Kritik der Reinen Vernunft, for the pain of being on the edge of comprehension makes the physical pain remote, out there somewhere in the known universe but of no concern compared to damn your eyes figuring out what this verdammte Kant means.

Sometimes pain and God overcomes all these defenses and as happened once during this morning’s siege, one’s blasted with an enormous jolt at the primary site and a simultaneous jolt of nerve pain in one’s blasted ankle, and one can only say how great Thou art and start bawling anthems like Australian and British soldiers in films: David Bowie’s mates in Merry Christmas Mister Lawrence, singing the 23 Psalm, or the defeated British on the German side of the Rhine singing Abide with Me.

But all’s well as I draft this, I am indeed reading the blasted Critique and waiting for congee and an Egg.

Oddly, the last chapter Of Human Freedom in Spinoza’s Ethics, and a feature article in the Chicago Tribune, serve to remind that I fear pain almost precisely to the extent I remain un Homme moyen sensuelle, the average sensual man circa 1975 in my snazzy suit, with my Woodbines, outside the Garden in Sloane Square. Spinoza wrote that the pains of Hell will terrorize only him who self-objectifies by using, perhaps only overusing, drink, tobacco and drugs.

The Tribune article was about how use of drugs destroys the body’s capacity to produce endorphins, those marvelous natural opioids produced by your own body.

Today I am going to Lamma Island as a test run to see whether I am good to go for a discharge from Grantham later this month. They give you the recommended dose of breakout painkiller in the form of dosage tubes. It looks kind of weird to shoot these tubes; I’d rather have a Fentanyl lollipop such as are legal in the USA and are used in the US Army for gravely injured soldiers.